care

I am going now for a serious post. I do often feel bad, and I do not know how to manage it. At work I feel uncomfortable, with friends I feel uncomfortable, I cannot say what I want to say, at my flat I feel uncomfortable and so on. I wonder where this general uncomfortableness comes from. It is maybe that I started my life with so much hopes and then had to recognize that this society will give you no chance. no chance of becoming your own. nowadays people are comfortable when they are not criminal, but that´s not sainity for me, I want to live even for higher ideals, then just fit into some norms! you understand me probably, just obeying rules is not right, we saw it 1939 in Germany and elsewhere in history you can find it too. I have daily outbursts of worry, they just make me unable to do anything. this way of life I never dreamed of, to be called some one minor of worth, or of intellegence without any reason. I am disappointed , disappointed of philosophy, of math too, of the modern ideals of man. disappointed also of goethe, of the modern world. I read max born, he is maybe the only one I am inclined to. he had a sharp mind, but still I can not find satisfaction within him. what does my constant dissatisfaction with culture mean? I never thought to meet a women like you. I never thought to trust a girl. that mean, to trust her in love. when you are in love you have the feeling that it´s nice , but that you are just lying to yourself. but the last feeling I have not with you, because I CARE about you. people always demand sth. of me, this and that. Can´t they see I am unable to give. why there then call themselves friends of me? everything is so curious. If you have no joy to live, why should you live? what can motivate you? I will here not talk about the kants idea of duty, I do not like or believe kant. How could such a person be considered as the greatest philosopher of all time?? that´s what I have to write, your always harry.