memories

It´s now almost 7 years, I gruadated from scholl and my misery started really, it all started when scholl was over, my parents wanted from me to do driving license and find a job, I wanted to stay at home and learn or read books, I do not feel able to work or find a job, but the pressure was high! I had absolutely no money, if I would get one or two Mark from my mother, I would run to the store to buy a softdrink and some weets, but that does not happen too often, so I had to be satisfied with what we had at home and as my father usually buys shit I was not very happy. I would stand up at 8 o´clock and read till 4 p.m. I never again studied so hard, I did it a month long, it was harsh, my parents always putting me on pressure, they wanted to send me to coucelling, because they say you are not normal. At the end one day I had a bad night, I broke by accident a bottle, and let it lay, then I cut myself on purpose. The ambulance came and so on. I escaped psychaitry by saying it was an accident! Then on august 1999 I received the letter that I had not get a place to study medecine. So the question was what to study? I thought it´s too late to suscribe for chemistry or sth. else, so I waited a next term. At summer I didn´t wanted to start, because chemistry usually starts at winterterm, but my mother urged me to study anything, so I suscribed for math! that was a great mistake! it probably ruined my life. I never came away from math, I didn´t want to fail, but there was no way I could understand one sentence of what the profs were talking. in 2001 I stopped visiting courses. the same time my aunt died. I didn´t know what the future will bring, waiting for the catastrophy to come. and it takes a year, there door rang and two persons say they are from the city and will advice me to go to psychiatry, people around me had spoken out doubts in my sanity! They came back once again, and as I didn´t want to talk, they call the ambulace and forced me to go in psychiatry, I was send away 3 days later, just because the law case was not clear, but a month later, they came at 8 o´clock morning and brought me in my sleeping clothes away! so is the law in Germany that if you are considered insane , you have to be treated with force! At all I was locked up, for the first week I didn´t go out at fresh air, that was hard, I was not allowed, I still don´t know what they called therapy, I was asked everyday how do you feel, and then left alone the whole day! After 4 weeks I accepted to be treated without force, I just came to another station, and stayed for the next 3 years in therapy at several places, just seeing no hope in my life. After one year of treatment, all my powers to residence were over, I had everyday this strong and uncomfortable need to do suicide!

After 7 years of hopelessness I am tired, I do not know what I do live for, I do not know how to shape my future or how to find an explanation for all that happened to me! Germany is considered to be a country with law, but I do not what right people have to not saying to me what my insanity is. I till now have problems to came along with the "silence " of the docs. I am just waiting for death, I am trying to hate the people I came along with, saying they just do what they thought is right... but to be true, I wish I had not gone through this all, I want really to dy...

ok, so much to my memories :)