stay though

she is showing weakness, never give up your dreams in life!

princess

princess is out of my dreams and I want to have her back there!reasons why this happened: she has a lover, she is just tired of me! I don´t know! so much for todays post.

new start

sick of fler, and his gang. I will never again compare someone with jordan!

just today

I don´t know what to say, things are so difficult, it´s now 5 a.m. and I am up, visited yesterday a friend, was quite alright, but still I cannot deal with the people on the streets, they are so different from me, and in bus or so, I just don´t know how to behave, get last night late to sleep, listened to some music, had again emotional grave problems. well a new day, a new misery. that´s seems to has been my motto for just too long! harry

harry

nothing special to say, I am whether in love , nor in hate, just the feeling of being a minority and being a looser! met a conservative girl today, sooner or later I have to break up with this people! harry

new

I am always pushed in a looser attitude, I have somehow to fight this! It gonna destroy me as fast as fire destroys a hectar of forest.

she

If she would less let her hips "flow" and more her mind, then she would be perfect, but still that just don´t mean I would get her, but be more easy with her, i never was a great friend of sexual satisfaction, i have to confess...so much to this weird post, ok, bye harry

again c.

Hy c. I hope you are reading this, I am so tired of work, so tired of this german people, all this being friendly while on the meantime they give a fuck about that, abuse you just because you are an intern, I am totally sick of this society, totally sick of doing anything for these society, I would not mind if the whole would go down, all the bullshit they call science and all so further..
I am tired, tired of this world, let´s see things as they are, ozon layer demaging materials are still sold everywhere, but only through the black market, so in 20-50 years there will be no ozonlayer and no life on earth! that does make me sick, then in 40 years there will be no oil, so end of humantiy. the first counts more, end of all life. we humans are so weak and so miserable. and now some assholes are putting law on me, because they have made it through the corrupt college system. it that not the time where you think, they should better be... I often think of kicking the whole stuff and go back to welfare, but that would not be really senseful, just because of some silly peoples. on the meanwhile I am listening in loosing my religion! give aa damn about religion, is that not an excuse for our sins? I am waiting for you to come back in my dreams, but you have fear! the girl at internship?? she should marry some one rich and arrogant, that would do it. I dreamed often of her, but on the same time often wanted not to think of her anymore, so what´s such a love worth??? as I said, she should marry someone rich and selfconfident, so they could both talk about how fine they are!
c. I love you much, wish I could meet you one day, yeah always this wishing ! you see I am completely crushed. c. with a big hug from germany, harry

c.

c. you are the kindest girl I ever met, you know I love you, also I have not thought much of you, there were problems we had to overcome, wish you all luck of these world, and that we one day grow up! :) ;) have a nice time, harry

love life

Hy Suzie, actually I am a philosophic mind, who tries not to get what he cannot get, but also I fell here and there in love, also very seldom. but that brings me then pretty much pain. so that I mostly then regret to have done any attempts to come close to someone.
harry

new start

she has beautiful eyes, but somehow cold, what is the mystery behind this girl?????

a prayer

let those get what they want, who think that´s heaven, but god , I need sth. else, I want to see you, want to fulfill your wish, your demand, in love I searched you, in philosophy I searched you, but god, make me humble enough to see, that these were empty prayers. let us pray for the dead and living stuff. for non being and being, becuase god´s will doesn´t know boundaries, god let me forget you and your demand, just let me be and I will be you, that´s what I believe in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! harrys zen

again this girl ;)

K. is probably the sweetest person I ever known, she is so in love with me and it´s so against her "nature" that I sometimes had to smile on that. i should tell her that being in love at work is a hopeless thing, except your name is clinton. :) I don´t know how to ease her or to ease myself.
it´s interesting my stoic(of course I am not a stoic) behaviour, does not work on her! :) harry

someone

If someone who knows me has discovered this blog, please take it easy, i am mad, let him talk, and he will be happy, nothing here is at serious as meant... thanks harry, I am really getting paranoid...

Jordan and Fler

"if you want to win , you have to pay the price." michael Jordan.

a person with the same as M. Jordan is Fler a German rapper, known for his aggressive texts, but boy, he is just doing the game, put him in prison and he will rap further, he has this winner mentality Jordan is speaking about, he will put everyone beside in the rap game, he is not going to cry or make compromisses, germans hate him and foreigners hate him, but he just love it to be hated, that the way of guy I admire. and so was I think Jordan, you could hit him , trash talk him, he would stick to the game. there was no excuse for loosing, not searching for excuses that the champions attitude whether he wins or not... ok, a little bit different post, harry!

20 things

20 things I do not like:
1. myself
2.atomic bomb
3.hot weather
4.FCKW
5.arrogant people
6.einstein
7.pills
8.work ;)
9.sleeping the whole day
10.beeing on search of the right sound
11.everything else

secret love

secret love is just not fun, K. managed to be in my mind for six weeks, that´s long, but now the whole thing is ceasing, I have admitted my loosing, and it´s ok, so what to say further???? I just want a message from her! harry

A.S.

I thought today of a girl I was in love with in the age of 17, and remembered how nice she was, we had not often the opportunity to hang around or talk much, but she left a great impression on me, like a symbol of the pat happy times, I actually met her again 6 months ago, by occasion, she looked still great. but couldn´t really get connected to her. but today I thought of her and just hope she is thinking of me too. so much for now, harry

some thoughts

I don´t know whether it´s my fault that I do not like my internship or not. to be honest, it´s my second internship and the same experience, something is "wrong" with me. this ineternship goes for another two month, then I have to look for something else with my carer. and hopefully I will start next year an apprenticeship and so on. but suzie I agree , I have no clue to the work I do, and some times even fear they just want a reason for kicking, and so on. I mean you not let someone pack four hours bags if you want to do him something good, when you know he has not worked for four years, and is somehow mentally weak. my carer says he had choosen a soft start! also he is a nice person, I often doubt whether he will help me. we will see.
what belongs to councelling, I think or have the feeling I am overanalyzed! sorry to say that. ok.
I consider this blog as a kind of selfcouncelling, that´s why I welcome any comment...
suzie your advices helped me a lot, of course because you know so many problems I am confronted with... thanks a lot, harry

excuse

I have to excuse for the sometimes harsh on this blog, I have th efeeling that my life is going completely the wrong way, and I try with violence to fix it, what is the reason for that? money! I have somehow to earn my living., I was sent to psychiatry, but never had any faith in the docs, I am going to work now, but have not the slightest feeling that I am doing anything better! so I have still hard emotional problems, I will not deny this, only here at this blog I do not hide them, it´s like a silent scream I am doing here.
c. I like you...

don´t know

suzie there is a lot of zen and wisdon in what you are saying. for sure beauty is mostly not dependen on strict measures, Friedrich Schiller a german peot, speak about the inner beauty, I think also grace is more important , then anything else. It´s the stress on me, that lead me away from normal thinking. I often feel like I have lost my mind, through the stress at internship and the things I have to do to earn a living. I am a person who is doing only that what he wants, this the reason why I am called disabled, now for the first time wanting to asking a girl for a date and having no permission or chance to that, hurts me really deep. as I told it in a funny way , they thing by analyzing shit, they feel they are doing something historical. funny people at work they earn 10 times more then I (!) about 3000-4000 € , and think I still should admire them! I would have admired them if they have recognized that I like K. it´s always a difficult situation to like someone at work, especially as an intern. I am one of those that forget about what they cannot get fast, but to be hold back nonsense, that I have to get used to.
K. is a odd person, she has done career but is behaving like a lab assistent, she should be more confident of herself, to behave different made me from start confusing, I have two months ahead in that mad buisness, then I am gone, maybe I will teach her to be more selfconfident, she is at all not doing a small internship there...

@flora- I just had again my bad moments, have to live with this emotional instability, but I am in my own way also happy...

madness

me liking K. is a state of madness, I mean just start with my outerappearance it´s just not the way K. would like it, I have overweight and so on, I should really start working out and making a diet. I would for sure do if I had a girlfriend, but this luxus of motivation I have not. is it all madness?? Is it I am just annoying her?? I really don´t know a solution... harry

K.

it´s becoming now clear that me and K. are not coming together! It´s a hard fact I have to accept and I am having hard fights with myself accepting this, I only can leave a memory on her mind, that´s all I am supposed to do, I am sure that I will not meet such a girl for a long time! It´s a real hardship I am going through, unusual to other hardships withoiut any chance of getting better.

in the middle of the night
I woke up
and saw you face crying, I dead!

translation

Ilisten to the sound, that like
a waterfall brings everythings to silence
I give a s*** on outsiders
when it burns they all ran to the mass
I give a s*** on my life
there is nothing more to achieve
there is nothing more to hope

more I am not able to translate!!

no title

ich höre den sound, der ähnlich wie
wie ein wasserfall alles zum schweigen bringt
ich gib ein piss auf außenseiter, wenn es brennt
sehe ich sie zur masse rennen
ich gib ein piss auf mein leben
es gibt nichts mehr zu erreichen
es gibt nichts mehr zu hoffen
deutschland wird bald unter der auktionstisch
fallen, was hiltler nicht vollbrachte
bringen cdu und spd zustande
die totale zerstörung, die totale entwertung
du verlangst für alles eine erklärung
geld ist deine mekka nach der du betest
die strassen sind voll von idioten
die armen liegen schon auf den friedhöfen
der verstand ist tot
es lebe der unsinn
so höre ich die leute durch die gegend gehen
es bleibt nichts mehr
ausser den wahn zuzusehen
die welt wird sterben
doch ich werde ewig leben!

education in zen

see things are not as they seem! a bird flying is actually not flying, but the earth falling away from her. a tear you cry , is not a tear but a sharp knife with which you cut others. a doubt you have is not a doubt, it´s a madness you set on earth, I am fighting with these stuff since three weeks and has done no progress. zen is staying in the wind, without there a wind, but you are taking it like cut down the tree so it´s safe from wind! that´s th eeuropean method, I have get used to that, and don´t know how to change. you can not satisfy yourself through a winter with just one corn seed. what does zen people mean by see the bridge is flowing and and not the water. is it not clear that when you hold your hand into what, you cause disturbance, you have to be the boat floating on the water, lay a leave on the water , that the wisdom, not holding you hand in the water! what does I except, water is wet! see the straight line is not always the best , it can lead you straight to hell! you worry about the dust, but don´t see the sandstorm! that´s not really zen... harry

hy

yeah suzie, indeed I am getting used to my internship stuff and even finding this and that fun. I hope this attitude will keep.
toK. , K. I need your help, I don´t want to miss you, don´t want to hurt you,and I don´t really want to hate you. It´s must not be the great love, I am not searching for that, but I would love to talk to oyu, and to feel always the same on you. I always feel like a traitor to our case when I get angry on you, can you help me! please!

today

today I am in love with my life and it´s problems! harry! haha

internship

People at internship believe by analyzing shit, they are doing sth. historical. I will try to complain less, but somehow it´s not working. K. the girl at internship, is a very nice one, a pity I cannot "get" her. ok, not more to say harry

tomorrow

why does we always think of tomorrow, why does we always think how to get more joy? that is becoming more and more sth. I have to think about. things will change, but hey if I offeneded you sorry, there is still time to fix it... harry

wunsch

Ich wünschte ich könnte dir sagen , dass es ok ist so, dass die erfüllung der sehnsüchte nicht sein muss. seh die blume am rande , so bin auch ich, und es interessiert mich wenig ob ich gesehen werde oder nicht. sei du der wind, der mich ins wippen bringt, es gibt kein anderen weg zu mir, so wie du es angehst

I am on falt search, it´s killing me , all the offices and the stuff, fuck them all. harry

my dark side

life

when I was 9 years old
I never thought about life
I never thought that others will ruin my life
I never thought to be depended on help
from people I do not like
I never thought to desire
a smile from a girls lip
I never thought to be teached by life
I never thought to be an angry person
I have to say no to most peoples attitude
I give nothing on my future
I am not a gangster
and I think time will come where
we all be gangster!
but there I will not be there...

some german stuff

please don´t ask me to translate this!

es ist 11 uhr morgen
es ist 11 uhr morgen sonntags
ich bin es leid an den nächsten
tag zu denken, ich bin müde
von all dem vielen denken
ich dachte wir gehörten zusammen
doch jetzt sehe ich du suchst andere wege
sag es mir etwas deutlicher
dann geht es mir vielleicht besser
ich habe das denken aufgegeben
ich bin nur noch am vegetieren
so ist nicht das leben

disabled

Hy suzie, I am also concerned to be disabled, also my disableness is different from yours. But deep inside of me I am refusing it. I cannot accept this judgement, like there is the thing behind everybody is doing fine except you. I know a lot of people who are more evil then I , but have a great life. I have lost my belief that this society gonna accept me. I will just be happy being able to live further 3-4 years. I just don´t know how long they will pay me welfare stuff and so on. wish you the best , harry

darkness

in the middle of the dark, you were there, we flied high, but they shot us down! it´s never good to be a bird in the haunting time! I miss you and have fear what future will bring. the is so much boredom, so few things to do. where are you, where is your smile, where are we. you refused like everyone else to contact, that keeps my freedom up! thanks dear, have a nice day, here it´s sunny! good luck harry

zen

does anyone how the NBA has played?? since they have cancelled airing it, I am completely out of it!
zen is searching sth. you cannot find!
walkover is posting anymore, that´s sad, she was always a motivation for me to post too. suzie had some hard days to go through, a tree fall on her house, happy nothing "serious" happened to her. these happenings always leave a trauma. I remember the bombing in Iran. Hope there will be no new war on Iran, it would be so bad.
so much for this post, thanks harry

new start

what do you mean we didn´t make it? sorry this is one of my mad posts. it´ s up to you, we all go through hardships, we do all things we don´t wanna do, so can I see you again smiling? it´s make me sad that you think we two are different. I don´t care what you do there where you are, life is dirty at all the way you have to live it, you made a decision, but you wont admit that it was wrong, and you know what I mean. hope to win your heart back, you mean alot to me. don´t forget that, in this mad world there is no completeness, no joy, don´t give up the few you have... arash

new start

what do you mean we didn´t make it? sorry this is one of my mad posts. it´ s up to you, we all go through hardships, we do all things we don´t wanna do, so can I see you again smiling? it´s make me sad that you think we two are different. I don´t care what you do there where you are, life is dirty at all the way you have to live it, you made a decision, but you wont admit that it was wrong, and you know what I mean. hope to win your heart back, you mean alot to me. don´t forget that, in this mad world there is no completeness, no joy, don´t give up the few you have... arash